Once upon a time...(kidding!) actually, I have to admit that when I look back over my life for the past 9 years it really does seem like a fairytale.  To be honest, I didn't start "living" until June of 1999 when I found my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To this day, when I share my testimony at lectures and seminars it still brings tears to my eyes. I remember the day the seeds of faith were planted in my heart as if it were only yesterday....let me share my story with you.

In 1999 I was living in Delaware with my then fiancé of three years. At that time I was an adult web site designer, that's right, I designed web sites that peddled porn. My whole reason for going into adult web design was the money. Back in the mid-90's there was a lot of money to be made both designing and operating adult sites on the Internet. All of the designing I did was legal and I never even thought about touching the stuff that is illegal like child-porn. Either way, it was a sinful and disgusting way to make a living. God had blessed me with a gift that enabled me to create beautiful and lucrative web sites but I chose the wrong path for the almighty dollar. Add the fact that I was living out of wedlock with my then fiancé' and I guess you could say that even with all of the money, my life was a mess.

In June of 1999 my fiancé and I decided that we were going to relocate to Florida to be closer to my family. We began making plans to take a trip and look for housing and on June 18th I was scheduled to fly to Florida with my three children. My fiancé was going to follow us two days later on Friday after his work week ended. being the avid journaler that I am I sat down the night before I was due to leave and I noted in my journal that everything was packed and ready to go...actually, what I wrote was...

"We're all packed and ready to go, I left enough meals for Shaun (not his real name) to last until Thursday when he'll be joining us...I hope"

I hope? Where did that come from? I had no reason to think that Shaun wouldn't follow but in reality, deep in my heart I must have known that life was about to change drastically.

The kids and I left the next morning which was a Wednesday, I hired a limo to take us to the airport and when we arrived in Palm Beach, Florida my family was waiting on us. Over the next two days we went to the beach, which was right down the street from my parents house and we went boating with my little brother. On Thursday evening I called Shaun to verify his flight details but there was no answer at our house.

It was still early so I figured he stopped on his way home or went out with the guys for a while after work; but by 10:30 PM I was frantic with worry, one of Shaun's friends was online talking to me in Instant Message and assured me that he was probably just out with the guys and he'd be calling any time.  Deep in the pit of my stomach I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it.

It's amazing how we can remember precise times of certain events in our lives. At 11:19 PM on June 19th the phone at my parents house rang and the caller I.D. announced that it was Shaun calling from his parents house in New Jersey. before I even answered the call, in the split second from it ringing to my picking it up, I KNEW my life was going to change.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Michele, it's me", Shaun said "I just want you to know that I am not coming tomorrow, I don't love you anymore. You'll need to get your things out of our townhouse because I am giving it up."

Stunned beyond belief and scrambling for time I asked Shaun how he could not love me today but he loved me yesterday.

"I just don't love you and I don't want to raise kids" was his answer. "Just get your things out...I have to go now."  he hung up the phone and I never heard from him or saw him again.

My attempts to reach him were in vain. he refused to take my calls or calls from my dad. He simply hung up the phone and left all of my "why's" unanswered. There was no closure, no explanation...nothing. He was gone and and I was left with the pieces of my shattered heart and life scattered around me.  Little did I know God was already catching me as I fell.

The next morning my dad loaded me onto a plane and we headed back to Delaware. I can remember very little about the trip back, all I knew was the pain was so horrific that it hurt to breathe.  I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep because that was the only time the pain subsided. While we were on the plane back to Delaware, I would close my eyes and lay it against the wall of the plane, I kept imagining that there was an angel sitting next to me and I was laying my head on his shoulder. this thought brought some comfort and in looking back, I do believe God sent an angel to get me through the first 48-hours of my ordeal.

Once we arrived back in Delaware my dad and one of my client's packed and loaded my life onto a U-Haul truck and before I knew it, I was on my way back to Florida. I don't remember them packing the house and I remember very little of the drive back. I do remember my dad talking to me and the look of concern on his face. This was the worst thing I had ever experienced in my life and my father and mother were there to carry me through it. Without them and that angel, I surely would have died.

Upon arriving back in Florida my children went to visit with their dad (my first husband) who lived about thirty minutes north of us. My dad brought me to work with him and even set me up a little office next to his but I had no desire to work. I slept, I cried and I walked around in a daze. I went eight days without eating and even water made me sick to my stomach.

Three days after I returned to Florida I walked into my parents kitchen and found my mom baking me cookies. (She tried everything to get me to eat) when I refused she looked at me and said:

"Michele, the answer to this can only come from heaven, ask St. Jude to help you."  Saint Who? I thought. None of my Catholic upbringing was kicking it at that moment nor had it in quite some time so I let her advice roll of my back and managed to walk through another day like a zombie.

Later that evening I decided that I just couldn't take the pain anymore. I had always prided myself on being strong and able to overcome anything but this situation was way bigger than I could handle and the truth was...it was overcoming me.      

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